Article by Maya Vukovska
You know how pharmacists recommend carefully reading the package insert before taking a medication? This is what I will do now: To avoid any risks or unwanted side effects, read this text before you have sex with your ex.
My intention here is not to slap you on the hand, and scold you for having sex with your ex-boyfriend, oh no! First of all, you haven’t done anything that many Americans haven’t done themselves. A very recent report from the popular online dating website eHarmony shows that 70 % of single millennials have sex with an ex-partner after breaking up with them. Seventy, for God’s sake! What’s more, many of the participants in the survey report that the sex has led to a much-unexpected rekindling of a past relationship. This sounds like good news, you’ll say. But only in theory, I’ll add.
But let’s start with the pros
Technically, it’s much easier to have sex with an ex-lover than with someone new because you already know the gist of it, and you don’t have to waste energy and time on testing the ground. With your ex you have a shared history that oils the wheels… so to say.
The ex-sex can be also used as a psychological weapon of revenge. Luring the ex back into your bed makes you the punisher. By putting up one final show you’re showing the guy what he’s missing. Yes, I know it’s called “hate sex”, but sometimes it’s an excellent way to get closure, to finally get over somebody. The downside of it is that you can catch feelings (again!), and mess up the whole sinister scenario.
Psychologists who’ve studied the phenomenon claim that post-breakup sex can actually enhance your chances of landing a new and hopefully healthier relationship. It may sound strange, but this somehow increases your attractiveness and worth in the eyes of the available wooers. Ah, the unpredictability of human nature!…
On the other side, though…
Having sex with the ex can have the opposite effect - it may badly affect your ability to start a new relationship. If you are stuck in the romantic past with the ex, you’ll see any other boyfriend as a compromise, a temporary deal between you and Eros until you reunite with your "true love" - the ex.
I haven't tried it myself, but the experienced ones say the sex after a breakup is better than before. Which makes me think that it’s the good sex that blurs one's judgment, and leads some ex-partners to the decision to get back together. However, trying to resume the relationship through sex and without fixing the actual issues that broke it in the first place, is an open trap. The guy is an ex for a reason. He may still have power over you, but you need to grow up and start learning from your mistakes. Nostalgia is a bitch - it can distort reality and turn your life into a Netflix sci-fi series.
But here I come again - like Prince Charming on a white horse - bearing more good news. Аpart from potential emotional complications, it seems that this kind of sexual arrangement works just great for gay men. My theory is a simple one: biological differences. Heterosexual women, for example, are more reluctant to have ex-sex, because if they do it with guys who’ve already proven unfit to be long-time partners, they might end up pregnant with them. Being free from this evolutionary burden, gay men (and men in general) don’t have to think that much about the consequences, hence, they are more likely to demonstrate short-term sexual behaviors. Yes, one may feel ashamed, and awkward, and mad at oneself for fucking the ex, but at least no one is getting pregnant.
The amount of scientific research on sex with ex-partners is still limited, and all we have for now are just numbers and percentages. That leaves the answer to the question in the title entirely to your own judgment. If both of you enjoy having sex with each other, go for it - just make sure you set boundaries so that you don't end up playing the crying game.
