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Don't Want to Spit or Swallow? 5 Other Things to Do With Your Jizz
So, you’ve reached that magical moment—congrats, by the way—but now you’re stuck with a dilemma: what the hell do I do with all this baby batter? If you’re not into swallowing and spitting feels so 2007, fear not, my dear. Your friendly neighborhood cum consultant (that’s me) is here to present you with five fabulous alternatives for handling your man’s love lava.
1. Use It as Skincare (Kind of) 💦
Okay, okay, hear me out before you call me nasty. There is some scientific backing to this one—some. Semen contains proteins and enzymes that, in theory, could have skin benefits. However, if your dude’s diet consists of gas station hot dogs and vodka Red Bulls, I wouldn’t be using his load as a moisturizer.
But if he’s on a steady diet of pineapple, leafy greens, and Andrew Christian protein shakes? Well… you could rub it in and tell yourself it’s a luxury spa treatment. Just make sure to avoid the eyes. That’s a mistake you only make once.
2. Give It a Dramatic Toss Like a Victorian Lady Disposing of a Handkerchief 🎭
Picture this: You finish, you take a deep breath, and then—with the grace of an aristocratic debutante at a royal ball—you delicately flick it into the air and let fate decide where it lands. This is for the dramatic girls, the ones who know that every moment is a performance. Bonus points if you sigh wistfully and say, “Alas, my work here is done.”
3. Surprise Art Project 🎨
Who needs overpriced paint when you’ve got your own homemade, organic, ethically sourced fluid medium? Channel your inner Jackson Pollock and get creative. Is it gross? Possibly. Is it unique? Absolutely. Just… maybe don’t submit it to the local art gallery unless you really want to be known as “that guy.”
4. Treat It Like an Experimental Shot 🥃
Okay, no, I’m not saying drink it (unless you’re into that—no judgment, babe). But if you and your boo like to keep things interesting, consider pretending it’s a high-stakes drinking game. Dramatically sniff it like you’re sampling a fine whiskey, give a sommelier-style analysis (“Ah, notes of regret and last night’s Chipotle”), and then dramatically decline the shot.
5. Make It Your Boyfriend’s Problem 🤷♂️
Not your nut? Not your responsibility. If your man is out here decorating your torso like he’s icing a cake, he can deal with the aftermath. Simply point at it, raise an eyebrow, and say, “Handle it.” Then sit back and watch as he scrambles for the nearest towel like he’s diffusing a bomb.
Final Thoughts
Look, at the end of the day, jizz is a fact of life. If swallowing isn’t your thing and spitting is too much effort, get creative! Who says nut management can’t be fun? Just, uh, maybe keep a towel nearby.
And if all else fails, well… there’s always the houseplant. 🌱💦
