_-_MM.jpg)
Yes, I AM Looking at Your Bulge
Listen, let’s cut the act. We all do it. You do it. I do it. Your barista, your gym crush, your married neighbor who “doesn’t get why you don’t have a girlfriend”—everyone sneaks a peek at a good bulge. Some of us just have the guts to admit it.
And if you’re out here in gray sweatpants season thinking nobody’s looking, honey, think again.
I’m a Certified Bulgeologist™
Yes, I have spent years—nay, decades—perfecting my craft. My eyes are trained, my reflexes are sharp, and my discretion is on point (sunglasses are the greatest invention of our time, second only to the jockstrap). I can clock your waistband situation from a mile away and assess the, um, dimensions with the precision of a NASA engineer.
And before you ask—yes, I have studied bulges in every setting imaginable. Public transit, gyms, red carpets, award shows, reality TV confessionals, grocery stores (why do the hottest guys always be buying rotisserie chickens?), and yes, even church. God sees everything and so do I.
If There’s a Print, I’m Taking Notes
It doesn’t matter if it’s a full-on gray sweatpants moment or just the suggestion of something in a well-fitted pair of jeans—I’m looking. If it jiggles when you walk? I’m watching. If it’s aggressively adjusted in the middle of conversation? I’m noting it in my mental diary. If I happen to be walking behind you? Oh, baby, you already know I’m taking in the full experience.
And before you clutch your pearls, let’s be clear: it’s not objectification—it’s appreciation. Y’all put the goods on display, so don’t be mad when the audience is paying attention.
Embrace the Gaze
So, yes, I am looking at your bulge. And no, I don’t feel bad about it. If anything, you’re welcome—because if a tree falls in the forest and nobody’s there to admire the print, did it even really happen?
Now, let me go put on my sunglasses and take a leisurely stroll through the city. Research calls. 😎
