Article by Maya Vukovska
The experienced, cunning girls who want to be brides follow a simple strategy: Win his mother on your side, and the son will be yours forever. Or at least as long as you are interested in him. Few are the blessed ones who have never faced problems with the relatives of their loved ones. The triangular relationship of Mate 1, Mate 2, and the in-laws can be as treacherous as the Bermuda Triangle - especially if the in-laws are die-hard conservatives! I mean, it’s damn difficult to infiltrate a conservative family if you’re a heterosexual Democrat, let alone an LGBTQ person who’s wearing their queerness on the sleeve!
Of course these days, many conservatives families may be brainwashed, hate-filled homophobic reactionaries to the point of being a lost cause. But sometimes it's surprising how even the coldest hearts can be thawed with a little love and kindness. So if you have worries about how the conservative family of your boyfriend or husband-to-be will treat you or whether they’ll accept you at all, we are here to comfort you with some wisdom.
Understanding the psychology behind the behavior
People fear the most what they don’t understand and hate what they can’t conquer. I didn’t say this, Andrew Smith did. What he meant was that the fear of the unknown, the fear of the “beast” pushes us into making reckless decisions. That’s why we often put all our efforts into hurting the beast instead of finding a way to understand what’s hiding inside of it. Your conservative in-laws are not necessarily bad people who are hostile toward you because you look nothing like the partner they’ve imagined for their kid. It’s just that their natural state of mind requires them to always be in control - whether it’s the traffic, the monthly bills, or their son’s love choices. If you realize that it’s the fear that overpowers their rationality, then perhaps you’ll be able to beat it with the strongest weapon that there is - a nice, honest talk over a cooled bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.
Your SO is your winning card
Remember that scene from the iconic comedy “Meet the Parents” where Jack (Robert de Niro) explains to Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) how the family “Circle of Trust” functions? Greg is in the awkward position of being a Jewish male nurse who struggles to win the approval of his future father-in-law, and somehow always fails. Greg eventually wins the day after a challenging set of comic mishaps and disasters. How does he do it? Well, he has a powerful supporter in the form of his fiancé and Jack’s daughter, Pam (Teri Polo). She knew exactly how to make the unreliable, unfitting Greg appear worthy in her father’s eyes in a way even Greg couldn’t on his own! This may be a farfetched example, you may think, but it provides an excellent analogy for anybody who finds oneself left outside the “circle of trust” by the in-laws. Trust your partner - let him open his relatives’ eyes so that they can clearly see you as a person, and not as someone who’s “different”.
I am sure that if he really loves you and cares about you, he’ll make them realize that you are his choice, and if they exclude you from the family members list, that would be interpreted as an unkind, passive-aggressive, and so-o-o sixth-grade thing to do.
Who’s the boss? Mom is.
Everything you’ve heard about men being their mama’s boys until the end of times is true. Which brings us to the following axiom Win the mom, and everything else is going to fall into its place. Even the most iron-willed, uncompromising, traditional mother’s heart can be defrosted if she sees that you treat her son with love and respect. First of all, keep in mind that she never imagined that her beloved baby would ever love someone more than her, no matter if that someone is a man, a woman, or an extraterrestrial. That’s why, it’s vital that you keep to the status quo and avoid doing these things in her presence: Rob her of the privilege to apply sunscreen on his back when on the beech
Put your ego aside and let her win the best-chef competition
Be extremely careful with the gifts: For example, even the most expensive anti-age, anti-wrinkle facial cream may whisper to her “The SOB thinks I look old” instead of “He’s so thoughtful and generous.” And last but not least, remember that even the most conservative mom won’t resist the charm of a gay guy who’ll tell her she’s raised the most wonderful son in the world!
