They say you are what you drink, but let’s be real—your cocktail of choice also says a lot about what you’re packing, how you use it, and whether or not you trim the hedges. So, let’s break it down: what does your go-to drink say about your dick, your bedroom energy, and your overall vibe?

Sip carefully, babe, because this tea is strong.

🍸 Espresso Martini – The Show-Off Shaft

If your drink of choice is an Espresso Martini, congratulations—you have a cock that’s all about performance. You know what you’re doing, you have stamina for days, and you probably insist on keeping the lights on during sex. You’re cocky (pun intended) but in a way that actually delivers.

You give off “I do push-ups before a hookup” energy, and your dick? Hard as steel, zero flop risk. You might edge yourself just to prove a point.

Biggest cock trait: Unnecessarily veiny.

🍹 Margarita – The Party Penis

If a Margarita is your go-to, your dick is fun, spontaneous, and a little bit messy—but in the best way. You’re flirty, touchy, and probably down for a three-way at least once in your life. You’re the type to have an accidental slip-in moment, and nobody’s even mad about it.

You don’t just have a dick—you have a dick with a personality. It’s got energy, enthusiasm, and a slight tequila-induced wobble, but it gets the job done.

Biggest cock trait: A little unpredictable, but always a good time.

🥃 Whiskey Neat – The Daddy Dong

If you drink whiskey neat, your cock is the equivalent of a slow, deep, back-breaking stroke that leaves a man staring at the ceiling in silence afterward. You don’t rush, you don’t do gimmicks, and you absolutely do not “accidentally nut early.”

Your dick is thick, slightly intimidating, and has probably ruined at least one man’s future relationships. You love to dominate, but not in a porny way—more in a “just let me handle this” kinda way.

Biggest cock trait: Heavy. Like, genuinely weighty.

🍾 Champagne – The Luxury Cock

You have a high-maintenance dick, and you know it. If you’re drinking Champagne, your cock is well-groomed, carefully curated, and possibly has a matching skincare routine. You don’t send random dick pics—you send artful nudes with proper lighting.

In bed, you’re all about the experience—silky sheets, scented candles, and a playlist you spent way too long curating. Your dick is elegant, aesthetically pleasing, and knows how to tease.

Biggest cock trait: Immaculately shaved and moisturized.

Beer – The Masc4Masc Meatstick

If you’re a beer guy, your dick is straight-up, no-frills, and built like a construction worker’s forearm. You’re the “no nonsense, let’s just fuck” type who probably calls himself “vers but mostly top.”

You fuck with purpose, you don’t do fluff, and foreplay? Sure, if there’s time. Your cock is **dependable, sturdy, and probably has a few scratches and dents from years of rough play.

Biggest cock trait: Slightly aggressive, but reliable.

🍸 Dirty Martini – The Cock With a Mysterious Past

Your dick has secrets, and we all want to know them. You give off brooding, slightly emotionally unavailable energy, but that’s exactly why people want you. You act detached, but the moment your pants come off? Pure filth.

You know how to fuck, but you don’t over-explain it—your skills speak for themselves. People talk about your dick in group chats, and you low-key love it.

Biggest cock trait: Looks expensive.

Mojito – The Fresh Prince of Peen

Your dick is refreshing, playful, and always up for something fun. You’re a natural flirt, and your sex life is all about adventure—whether that means trying new positions, bringing toys into the mix, or getting handsy in public.

You might not have the biggest dick in the room, but your energy more than makes up for it. You’re fun, spontaneous, and a little bit chaotic—in the best way possible.

Biggest cock trait: Consistently ready to go.

Sip, Swirl, Stroke

At the end of the day, your drink choice is more than just a cocktail—it’s a reflection of your energy, your vibe, and yes, even your dick game. So the next time you order at the bar, just know the bartender is probably making assumptions about your stamina, technique, and whether or not you send good nudes.

Drink up, babe. And may your cock always live up to the hype. 🍸🍆