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Gather ‘round, children, for I’m about to tell you the most mystical tale in all of gay folklore: The Legend of the Self-Suck. You’ve probably heard the whispers at gay bars and brunches across the land — tales of flexible men, contorted like Cirque du Soleil performers, allegedly able to, ahem, "service" themselves. That’s right, honey. We’re talking about autofellatio, aka giving yourself a blowjob. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I first heard about this, my reaction was equal parts awe, disbelief, and curiosity. Like… could this REALLY be a thing?! 🧐

As with all legends, there are SO many questions that come with it. Like, how bendy does one have to be to pull off such a stunt? Do you just pretend you’re not literally choking on yourself? And, real talk, are you swallowing your own load?! If these questions are already running wild in your head, then buckle up, because we’re about to dive deep (pun fully intended) into this saucy phenomenon.

The Flexibility Factor: Is This Gay Cirque Du Soleil?

First things first: you have to be FLEXIBLE—and I’m not just talking about being versatile in bed, darling. We’re talking about gymnastic-level flexibility. Imagine touching your toes with your tongue… except way more explicit and way more impressive. While some of us are struggling to do a simple downward dog in yoga class, there are apparently men out there who can fold themselves into positions that rival the Kama Sutra on steroids.

To achieve this mythical feat, you’ve got to have a combo of a short torso, long legs, and back muscles made of rubber. Oh, and being able to breathe upside down would probably help too. Honestly, if you can do this, forget self-suck—you need to join the freakin' Olympics!

Is It Like Giving or Receiving a BJ?

Here’s the philosophical part of the legend, darlings. When you’re performing self-suck, is it more like giving or receiving a blowjob? Are you the sucker or the suckee?! I imagine it’s like an existential gay crisis — “Am I blowing myself or am I getting blown by… me?” 🤯

Picture it: You’re down there, going to town on your own, ahem, member. The sensation must be some confusing combo of feeling like a total boss and then also like you’re doing a lot of work. Because let’s be honest, we all know that giving head can be tiring, and suddenly you’re faced with a reality where you’re both getting and giving a blowjob at the same time. It’s like multitasking… but make it gay!

The BIG Question: Do You Swallow Your Own Load?

Alright, let’s get to the juicy part: when it comes time for the big finale… do you swallow your own cum?! This question has kept me up at night. I mean, would it feel different if it’s your own? And, like, would it even be hot or just kinda weird?

Some legends say that the men who have mastered this art form are so committed that they actually do swallow their own load, almost as if they’re completing some sacred ritual. Others claim that they stop short of that step, citing personal boundaries (as if having your dick in your mouth wasn’t already crossing them, but I digress). Either way, it’s a slippery slope—no pun intended—and I, for one, have yet to figure out where I would personally stand if faced with that moment of truth.

The Self-Suck Hall of Fame (Is There One?!)

The truth is, there are few known men who’ve been inducted into the Self-Suck Hall of Fame, but they exist, darling. Trust me. They’re whispered about like rare unicorns, the kind of gays you only meet once in a lifetime. You might hear stories at a party, a tale of a guy who knew a guy who could do it, but it's always just out of reach. It’s like they’re gay legends walking among us, and we may never know their true identities. (Or maybe they're just too busy "giving themselves" to show up at brunch?)

However, according to the tales, these boys claim it's the ultimate combination of pleasure and self-sufficiency. In a world where so many of us are forced to rely on others to get our rocks off, these flexible kings have taken matters into their own hands (and mouths). Respect.

Is It Actually Good? Or Just a Party Trick?

Here's the thing—just because you can do it, doesn’t necessarily mean you should. I mean, yeah, it sounds wild and a little amazing, but from what I've heard (you know, from a friend), it’s not actually as great as it seems. Why? Well, because trying to fold yourself in half and suck your own dick might be fun for like, five seconds, but it’s a lot of work. You’re basically a contortionist at this point, and honey, we don’t always have the energy for that kind of extracurricular activity. Let’s be real: sometimes it’s easier to just call a friend for help. Collaboration over contortion.

Gay Myth or Reality: Will We Ever Know?

So, is autofellatio the stuff of gay myth and legend, or are there really men out there bending over backward for their own D? Honey, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Sure, there are a few super-flexible gays who’ve dabbled in self-suck, but for the rest of us? It remains more of a fun fantasy than a realistic weekend activity.

But regardless of whether or not you’ve tried it, fantasized about it, or think it’s a total urban legend, the Legend of the Self-Suck will live on in the gay community forever. And honestly, if you can pull it off? More power to you, babe. Just remember, whether you’re giving or receiving, the important thing is to enjoy yourself—and maybe just save this party trick for private moments, OK?

Until next time, keep it flexible, gays. 😉

October 24, 2024 — Andrew Christian
Tags: Gay Culture
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