Okay, besties, let’s talk about it. The straights are not okay. I don’t know if it’s the economy, social media, or the fact that they don’t have pop divas guiding them through life, but something is seriously off.

This all hit me the other day when I read about a fully grown straight man refusing to eat a banana because he thought it would make him look “gay.” Sir, it’s fruit, not a life choice. What are you so afraid of? One wrong bite and you’re suddenly twirling in booty shorts at Pride?

And don’t even get me started on straight dating struggles. It’s a mess out there. Let’s unpack it.

1. The Fear of Anything Remotely Gay

We need to address the rampant heterosexual paranoia that straight men are living in. Refusing to eat a banana? Suspicious. Cutting a hot dog into tiny pieces before eating it? Why?? Sitting three feet apart from their bros at the movies? It’s giving middle school homophobia.

Meanwhile, gay men are out here wearing crop tops, licking their fingers after chicken wings, and talking about astrology on first dates, and no one bats an eye. The freedom we have, and the chains they live in!

Straight men, it’s okay to eat fruit in public. I promise no one is going to revoke your masculinity card just because you deep-throated a potassium stick.

2. Dating as a Straight Man is Basically a Horror Movie

I’ve had straight friends tell me that modern dating feels impossible, and honestly, I believe them.

First of all, straight men have zero social skills. They’ve been raised on Call of Duty voice chats and TikTok podcasts hosted by guys who’ve never touched a woman, so of course, they don’t know how to flirt.

Second, straight women have standards now. They read books, have hobbies, and don’t tolerate dusty behavior. Straight men were not prepared for this.

I saw a tweet the other day that said, “Straight men are so lonely that if a woman so much as asks how their day was, they think they’re in love.” BABY. 💀

3. They Make Dating So Hard for Themselves

The dating apps? A wasteland.

Straight men’s profiles are literally all the same:

• A gym mirror selfie (captioned: “Just ask”).

• A fish they murdered.

• A photo with their mom?? (Sir, this is Tinder, not Ancestry.com).

Meanwhile, gay men are over here with perfectly curated bios, tasteful thirst traps, and flirty one-liners that actually work. The art of seduction is alive and well in our community—why aren’t straight men taking notes??

4. Straight Women Deserve Better

Straight women are built different. These queens are out here tolerating the bare minimum, and yet, straight men still fumble the bag.

Let’s be real: If straight women left men en masse and just started dating each other, the male species would collapse within months.

5. Should We Help Them? Or Just Watch??

Honestly, I’m torn. On one hand, it’s a little entertaining watching them struggle. But on the other hand, we need these men to function properly so society doesn’t completely collapse.

So, to the straight men reading this (yes, I know you lurk)—here’s some free advice:

• Talk to women like they’re people, not quest rewards.

• Eat the banana, eat the hot dog, stop living in fear.

• For the love of God, get rid of the dead fish photo on your dating app.

• It’s okay to feel emotions. Try it sometime.

And to the gay men? Stay fabulous, stay stress-free, and enjoy your bananas in peace. 💅🍌