Ask Agatha: I Found My Brother on a Gay Dating App

Hey there, Agatha.

My name is Marcus, and I’ve got a real doozy for you. I’m a 28-year-old gay man living in the heart of New York City. I’m active on the dating apps because, let’s face it, it’s the easiest way to meet someone in this hectic city. But I recently stumbled upon something that’s left me utterly shaken.

Here’s a bit of background. My older brother, Ethan, is 35, straight, and has been married to his high school sweetheart, Lisa, for ten years. They have two adorable kids, and to everyone’s knowledge, they have the perfect suburban life back in New Jersey. Ethan and I have always been close despite our different paths. He’s the kind of brother who was there for me when I came out, always supportive and protective.

But last week, while I was scrolling through a gay dating app, I came across a profile that looked suspiciously like Ethan. At first, I thought it was a mistake or a joke. But as I looked closer, there was no denying it—it was him. The photos were unmistakable, and the profile details matched up too closely to be a coincidence. I nearly dropped my phone.

Now I’m stuck in a moral quandary. Should I confront him about it? What if it ruins his family? What if there’s a side of his life I never knew about? I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I can’t just pretend I didn’t see it. What if he’s living a double life, or worse, what if he’s in some kind of trouble?

I’m at a complete loss here, Agatha. Help!

Sincerely,

Marcus

Oh, Marcus, darling, sit down and take a deep breath.

First of all, let me say this: finding a loved one on a dating app is like accidentally walking into a room where you’re not supposed to be—it’s awkward, shocking, and leaves you questioning your next move. But don’t fret, because Agatha is here to help you navigate this emotional labyrinth.

Here’s the tea:

Consider the Possibilities: Before you jump to any conclusions, remember that there are multiple scenarios that could be at play here. Maybe Ethan is bisexual or has an open marriage with Lisa. It’s also possible that he’s exploring a part of his identity he’s kept hidden for years. Or, in a more unfortunate scenario, he might be struggling with his sexuality in a very private, possibly destructive way.

Think About the Stakes: Confronting Ethan could potentially shake the very foundation of his family. If his kids and Lisa are unaware of this side of him, your revelation could cause immense upheaval. But if he’s living a lie that’s causing him pain, maybe it’s time someone close to him acknowledged it.

Gauge Your Relationship: Given that you and Ethan are close, you might be in a unique position to reach out to him with empathy. If you decide to talk to him, approach it with compassion, not accusation. Say something like, “Hey, Ethan, I came across your profile on a dating app. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to.” This opens the door for him to explain without feeling attacked.

Prepare for All Outcomes: Be ready for any reaction. He might deny it, he might open up, or he might get defensive. Regardless of how he responds, let him know you’re there to support him, not judge him. His reaction will guide your next steps, whether that’s offering a listening ear or respecting his privacy if he’s not ready to talk.

Remember, Marcus, you don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. What you do have is an opportunity to be a supportive brother, no matter what truth comes to light. Handle this with the grace and love that has always defined your relationship with Ethan.

So take a deep breath, trust your instincts, and proceed with care. You’re about to embark on a delicate journey, but with empathy and understanding, you can help navigate this tricky terrain.

XOXO,

Agatha 💋