Ask Agatha: Boyfriend and I Are Both Tops
Dear Agatha,
I need some advice about a bit of a, um, bedroom dilemma that I’m having with my boyfriend, Jack. I’m Levi, 29, and Jack is 31. We’ve been together for almost a year now, and it’s honestly been amazing. He’s funny, supportive, has a great career, and my family adores him. We connect on so many levels — intellectually, emotionally, and we even have the same taste in terrible 80s horror movies. It’s pretty much perfect… except for one not-so-little thing.
You see, we’re both, well, very comfortable in the top position. As in, neither of us has any real interest in bottoming. We've tried taking turns a couple of times, but it just doesn’t feel natural to either of us. We both like to be the one calling the shots in bed and, frankly, neither of us finds switching roles very fulfilling. It’s starting to feel like there’s a bit of an unspoken standoff whenever things get heated. The chemistry is still there, but neither of us seems to want to… well, back down.
I don’t want to lose Jack over this because, outside of the bedroom, he really does feel like “the one.” But if we can’t make this work sexually, I’m worried things might fall apart. I’d hate for us to drift or for resentment to build up. I’m at a loss for how to keep the intimacy strong without someone feeling like they’re sacrificing their own needs.
Any advice? Can two tops make it work?
Sincerely,
Levi the Reluctant Switch
Dear Levi,
Oh, Levi, you’re describing a situation that’s more common than you’d think. Finding a partner who checks all the boxes is rare, and it sounds like you and Jack have a beautiful connection that’s absolutely worth working for. Let me assure you, you’re not doomed just because you’re both, shall we say, riding the same wavelength.
First things first: you’re both lucky to be in a relationship where there’s so much else going on beyond just the bedroom. Chemistry, humor, and shared interests go a long way in keeping a relationship strong. But you’re also right that sexual compatibility is important, and it deserves just as much attention and creativity.
Now, I’m going to suggest something that might feel a little outside the box (or inside the box, depending on how you look at it): why not explore other ways to connect physically that don’t require one of you to switch roles? There are a lot of options for keeping things hot without either of you feeling like you’re giving up your natural preferences.
For one, frotting — or, as some people cheekily call it, “sword fighting” — could be an amazing way for you and Jack to meet in the middle. It’s intimate, intense, and allows you both to take control without any of that awkward “who’s going first?” vibe. Think of it as the ultimate power struggle — one that leaves you both satisfied and still in charge.
Then there are toys. If you’re both open to it, introducing toys into your intimate life can add a new layer of excitement. There’s an entire world of options designed to help you both enjoy yourselves as tops. Some couples find that toys allow them to satisfy each other’s needs in ways that feel just as fulfilling as traditional roles. You might be surprised how much using a few carefully selected toys can spice things up without anyone feeling like they’re compromising.
And lastly, don’t forget the power of communication. Since you both understand each other’s preferences, there’s room for you to get creative with what intimacy looks like for you. Sometimes, a little chat about fantasies or even experimenting with roleplay where you don’t actually switch roles but still build that same intensity can be thrilling.
The takeaway here? Sexual compatibility isn’t about “who does what”; it’s about making sure both partners feel wanted and fulfilled. As long as you and Jack keep an open mind and explore together, there’s no reason two tops can’t find a rhythm that works for you both.
Keep things spicy, Levi, and remember that a little experimentation can make all the difference. You’ve got something special — now make it work on your terms.
XOXO,
Agatha