Ask Agatha: My Husband Let a Stranger Stroke His Penis

Hi there, Agatha. Long-time reader, first-time writer here. My name is Tyler, and I’m in a bit of a pickle. I’ve been with my boyfriend, Michael, for about five months now. I’m 32, and he’s 40. Our relationship is solid—we’re monogamous, committed, and have even thrown around the L-word quite a bit. We’ve talked about the possibility of opening things up in the future, but only if we’re truly settled and secure, like living together or laying down some roots.

Here’s where things get sticky: Michael was away on a work trip recently and spent a day at a gay beach—one we’ve actually visited together before. It’s known to be a bit cruisy, but we always just joked about it. Anyway, when he called to catch up, he casually mentioned that he spent most of the day hanging out near the cruising spot and got pretty buzzed—like 8-10 beers kind of buzzed.

He also mentioned that he spent a lot of time chatting with a guy there. But here’s the kicker—when Michael was about to leave, the guy stood up next to him and, without missing a beat, reached over and stroked Michael’s dick for a few seconds. Michael admitted that he allowed it to happen and didn’t pull away immediately. He said he even kind of enjoyed it, but he swears nothing more happened after that.

Now, Agatha, I know it’s just a brief touch, but I feel really hurt. This feels like a breach of trust, even if it was just for a few seconds. We’ve both had our fair share of fun before we got together—I used to cruise around a bit when I was single, and he’s had his adventures in gay saunas. But now, I’m wondering if I’m overreacting. Is it crazy for me to feel like this is unacceptable?

I’m struggling to figure out if I should just brush it off or if this is something we need to seriously talk about. Help!

Sincerely,

Tyler

Dear Tyler,

Oh, darling Tyler, I can see why you’re feeling all kinds of emotions right now. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship, and when it’s shaken—even by something as seemingly small as a brief stroke—it can throw you off balance. So first things first, let’s acknowledge that your feelings are valid. You’re not being crazy, over-the-top, or unreasonable. You’re human, and this situation has hit a nerve.

Now, let’s break this down.

The Context Is Key

Michael was in a cruisy environment, tipsy, and surrounded by vibes that, let’s be honest, were probably more charged than a Tesla battery. That’s not an excuse, but it does help paint the picture. He didn’t plan this, but he also didn’t stop it right away. It was a few seconds of contact, and then it ended. The fact that he was honest with you about it is important. This wasn’t something you found out through the grapevine—he brought it to you.

A Breach of Trust?

Here’s the tricky part. Was it a breach of trust? For you, yes, and that’s all that matters. Even if it was brief, it crossed a line you weren’t prepared to have crossed. And that’s something you and Michael need to discuss. He might not see it as a big deal, especially since it didn’t go any further, but if it’s causing you pain, it’s worth addressing.

Honesty Is Your Friend

Sit down with Michael and have a heart-to-heart. Not a confrontation, but a conversation. Let him know how this has made you feel—without accusations or blame. Use “I” statements: “I feel hurt,” “I felt like my trust was shaken,” and so on. Ask him how he felt in the moment, and why he didn’t pull away immediately. Understanding his mindset will help you both navigate this.

Define Your Boundaries

Moving forward, it’s crucial that you both define what’s okay and what’s not in your relationship. If being in cruisy environments when you’re apart is off-limits, say that. If even brief contact like this is a dealbreaker, that needs to be communicated too. Relationships are about setting boundaries that make both parties feel safe and respected.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive?

Ultimately, Tyler, only you can decide if this is something you can move past. If Michael is genuinely sorry and this was a one-time lapse in judgment, maybe it’s something you can forgive, especially if your relationship is strong in every other way. But if this has opened up deeper doubts or fears, don’t ignore them. Work through them together, or with the help of a counselor if needed.

Remember, sweetie, a momentary slip doesn’t have to define your relationship. What matters is how you both handle it moving forward. If Michael is willing to listen, learn, and respect your boundaries, there’s no reason this little hiccup can’t be resolved.

XOXO,

Agatha 💋